Coming to Yourself

Only a month ago, I wasn't very happy.

My life wasn't turning out the way I thought it would. I had delayed graduation at BYU for ANOTHER semester. I had broken up with my summer boyfriend and had no prospects.  I had no single friends besides my sister. I had delayed my dreams, including my trip to Italy. I spent my days basically waiting around for Mr. Right to magically appear and whisk me away to the temple. And then wondering why he hadn't shown up.

I was miserable and angry at God.

I was feeling pretty low when I went to a Women in Business Club event one afternoon. I didn't really want to go, I mostly just went for the free food. I remember sitting in that room and asking myself why I was there. All my old business school buddies had graduated and moved on and I was still here. Then the key speaker, Amy Rees Andersen, started her presentation. Her presentation was empowering. She talked about how, as girls, we put aside the things we want in life because we fill like we have to fit a mold or we're afraid. But God can't help us if we are not moving. She then talked about dream boards, a visualization poster of all your aspirations and goals. As a teenager and during my early college years, I had a dream board and can personally attest to its power. But I had pushed my dreams aside. I didn't allow myself to believe or go after the things I dreamed of and I realized that was why I was unhappy.

I came out of that event determined to change my life. No longer was I going to sit around waiting for life to happen to me. I was going to do the things I wanted to do. And if the things I wanted weren't apart of my eternal plan, God would stop me. But, hey, at least I went for it.

And the thing was, once I had decided to live my own life, I started getting happier. My life regained purpose. The lessons I needed to learn and the tasks I needed to do became clearer. I sought out some of my dreams and achieved them.

Sure, I am still single (and honestly, the most single I've been in over 2 years), but I am happy. And I am growing and coming into myself. And God is there to help me every step of the way. He has even guided me to opportunities I never would have found on my own. All because I decided to move and be true to myself.

In General Conference last week, one of my favorite talks was by Robert D. Hales (probably the first I've ever LOVED a talk from Elder Hales). I liked it not because of the financial or dating advice he gave from the pulpit, but because of what he said after that:

In the Savior's parable of the prodigal son, the son had many blessings awaiting him, but before he could claim him, he had to look closely at his life, his choices, and his circumstances. The miracle that happened next is described in the scriptures with a simple phrase, "He came to himself"... Just remember, you are a pilot and you are in charge. I testify that as you come to yourself, God will come to you.

We are masters of our own fate. As we move forward on achieving our dreams, acknowledging God and His plan, we will find purpose and fulfillment secularly and spiritually. Go get up and start chasing your dreams!

Hidden Treasures Pt. 2

This next gem I found in my files was an essay for my Mission Prep class sophomore year. This one really touched me. The struggle to yield myself to my Father in Heaven's vision for my life is a continuous work. It's nice to be reminded that He does know best for me.

                                                                                                                                               

One of the prominent themes in the novel of my life is that God and I don’t always have the same vision for my life. If you had asked in me as a sophomore in high school where I would be as a sophomore in college, I probably would have told you that I would be at NYU, been on Academic Decathlon, and probably have started a business. If you had told me that in reality I love colorguard, participated in Model United Nations in high school, and go to BYU, I would have laughed in your face. These past four years have been a whirlwind of unexpected decisions and unexpected revelation. But through it all, I will admit that’s God’s plan is better than my own.

When I was sixteen, I was somewhat lost in direction.After some difficult months, I was starting to heal, but was figuring out how to do that. It was just an ordinary day. I was walking to my math class when I looked up and saw a poster for winterguard, which is basically colorguard (people dancing with flags) without the marching band. I had never heard of winterguard before.  My curiosity was piqued. I tore the poster off the wall and continued to study it for the rest of the day. Sounds interesting, I thought, but I don’t know anyone who does guard. Fortunately, a girl in my ward was trying out too. So together we went to winterguard auditions and in the end I made winterguard. Winterguard and colorguard gave me an identity, friends for life, and wonderful experiences I will cherish forever. I loved it so much that I continue to do colorguard at BYU.    

After I joined colorguard, a lot of great things happened to me. Two specific blessings were my AP History teacher and my participation in World Scholar’s Cup (WSC), a worldwide academic competition, similar to Academic Decathlon. These two blessings came to face off each other at the end of the year when my history teacher urged me to do model United Nations while my WSC coach urged me to join Academic Decathlon. I was torn. Both opportunities sounded interesting and had plenty of wonderful experiences in store for me. But I couldn’t do both. So I turned to the Lord. And the answer came as Model United Nations. The Academic Decathlon team that I could’ve been on had a fantastic season, winning second in the nation. But I never regretted doing Model United Nations. It was in Model United Nations that I made lasting friendships with people all over the world, traveled the country, and developed a love for international affairs. 

These experiences led me to one of the most stubborn, long suffering, difficult decisions of my life: the decision to come to BYU. My sophomore year of high school I decided I wanted to go to New York University and study Marketing. I love city life and NYU had one of the best programs for my major in the country. I had the grades and extracurriculars to have a pretty good chance of being accepted. But Heavenly Father had different plans for me. Midway through my junior year, I knew that I needed to go to BYU. But that didn’t mean I had any desire to go. In fact, I fought against it with all my might. What did God know? During the next year and a half, I continued to protest going to BYU, knowing that I would obey. I protested it until the third day of school freshman year. As looked around at the beautiful campus and the clean-cut people rushing by me to get to their classes, I finally realized and admitted that Heavenly Father was right.

So here I am standing on a precipice of the unknown. I have no idea why I live in Monticello Apartments or why I am doing a second year of BYU colorguard, but I do know that my Heavenly Father has led me to where I am and He will continue to guide me as long as I have faith and trust in Him.  

Hidden Treasures Pt. 1

I was sitting in the Oakland Airport waiting to board my flight home to Mesa for Thanksgiving. I didn't want to use the public wi-fi (side-effect of my job in computer security) so I started looking through all my files. Among the school essays, iterations of resumes, and edited photos were a couple writing gems from the past. For the next little bit, I'll be posting some these essays and thoughts on here. I hope you enjoy!

The first post is a speech I wrote during a brief enrollment in a public speaking class. The prompt was to introduce yourself. What better way to introduce myself than by focusing on my name and the effect it has had on my life.

                                                                                                                                              

My parents have a lot of trouble agreeing on what to name their kids. It is actually quite ridiculous on how long it takes my parents to finally decide a name for their baby. Take for example, my poor sister. My parents couldn’t decide on a name until she was a bloody, squirming baby in the hospital nursery. Oh they talked about it a lot. They’d discuss it for hours, names spewing from their mouths. Debbie! Elizabeth! Chelsea! Tiffany! But whatever name one parent threw out, it was immediately shut down by the other. So when March 19th came around, my sister’s birthday, the best name that my parents had devised was Brooke Trout Toller.  But by some miracle, my parents regained their senses and saved my sister years of grief in elementary school and officially made her name Brooke Taylor Toller.

Although my sister’s story is more tragic and extreme, my parents also had a difficult time naming me. I was the first so therefore my name had to be absolutely perfect. But perfect meant two very different things to my parents. On one hand, my mother loved old fashioned names, or what my father calls “librarian names”, names such as Hannah, Aubrey, and Annaliese. My father, on the other hand, was more into the popular names of his generation--Denise, Patricia, and Karen. Each parent despised the other’s preference for names, creating one big problem. How were they ever going to agree on a name? Well, with some underhand dealing and my mother’s apt knowledge of my father’s family history, they finally decided my name: Sarah Ione Toller.

I like my name. It’s actually pretty awesome. For example, my initials spell the word SIT. How cool is that?! My initials make a WORD! My name also is a sentence. Sarah (comma) I own Toller. In fact it is one of my dreams to meet John Bytheway so we can talk about our super awesome sentence names together. But what I really like about my name is the history and meaning behind my name Sarah Ione. It is that history and understanding that makes me who I am. 

I will start with Sarah. Sarah. The word has two meanings to me. The first is the literal meaning of the name which is Princess in Hebrew. Now, I am not going to start a tirade about how my names fits me because I’m my daddy little princess (though I am), but rather how my name’s meaning is a constant reminder of who I am and how I should act. I am a daughter of God and that makes me a princess right? Isn’t that what they always told us in Young Women’s? And since I am princess, I have a responsibility to act accordingly just like the Sara in the book A Little Princess. Although she is reduced to a servant and sleeps in the attic, Sara always maintains her dignity and continues to keep her head high and be kind to everyone she meets. Therefore, my name is a reminder of the dignified, compassionate, daughter of God I need to be. The second meaning of my name is a more familial one. I am named after my great great Aunt Sarah Eva Paine. She was a remarkable lady. She continuously thirsted after knowledge, her home was filled to the brim with books about every subject. But not only was she a great scholar, she was a great mother, too. She did not have any children, but if you ask my grandpa or my uncles, Sarah was like a second mother to them. Pretty much she was a second mother to every kid on the block. Because of Sarah, my name takes on a meaning of curiosity and love for children. Like my great great aunt, I love to learn and can read and read and read, whether it’s reading a biography of Steve Jobs or reading a travel blog on frugal ways to travel the world. And also like my great great aunt, I really enjoy being around kids. For example, I taught the six year olds in my home ward over the summer and I had the greatest time with them. Through my name, my great great aunt memory and qualities live on. 

Moving on to my middle name, Ione. It is another family-based name. In fact it is my great-grandmother’s middle name. My great grandmother Annie Ione Toller loved life. She would often go hiking and hunting with my great grandfather.  She also was an avid card player and helped invent the family game. That zeal for the outdoors and games are still prevalent in my family. I have hunted before and I can totally beat you all at cards. By bearing her name, I am reminded of the wonderful qualities she had and it gives me the desire to develop those same qualities in myself. 

In ancient times, names were very sacred and personal. They were your essence, your very being. I feel the same way. Though a name may seem to be only an array of letters you put on the top right corner of your English essay. I believe that names can give insight into who we are and can give us direction on who we can become.

Tide Pools

It was my friend's last day in California so we had one last big hurrah of a Saturday. Because he was going back to a non-coastal state (*cough* UTAH *cough*), he wanted to spend his last day at the beach.

So we packed up my car and headed to Santa Cruz to Natural Bridges State Park--a wildlife beach with monarch butterflies in the fall and tide pools all year-round. 

I'd never checked out tide pools before (or if I had, I don't remember it) and it was really cool. We saw some sea anemones, mussels, and crabs (ew). And I even had a "Little Mermaid" moment (picture below)!

July Roundup

Here’s a new little feature to keep everyone somewhat updated on my life. Because let’s face it, I’m kind of a “out of sight, out of mind” person. If you aren’t immediate family or interface with me on a regular basis, I probably never talk to you. This was painfully pointed out to me by my cousin a couple weeks ago. So this is one step in the right direction. If you want more, message me on FB and we’ll set up a call or Skype date.

Happenings

Fourth of July weekend- Jam-packed. Did a bit of everything—hiked, went to parties, visited the beach—except see fireworks. Cause I was way too tired to do that after everything else.

Sunburn- the price of that weekend was a nasty, lobster-red sunburn. Who knew that it could snow in July? Ew.

Blog published- I’m a published writer! Actually, I've been a published writer for 2+ years. But anywho, read my post on the McAfee intern blog!! 

Rafting the American River- Just around the riverbend...is more river.

First kisses- the anticipations, the nerves, the 90-10 rule…sigh

Songs on Replay

Anything by Sam Smith- Just can’t get over that voice! I discovered this crooner when he covered Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know” and have been listening to him ever since.

I Choose You by Sara Bareilles- This is so the soundtrack of my future wedding video. Sums up everything I feel about marriage. It really is a choice. Now, I won’t go any more into that and save you some major sentimentality.  *sniffles*

Food to make you hungry

Fry Bread with Cookie butter- First time having cookie butter and let me tell you, I’m converted.

Meadowlark Creamery- The best soft-serve in the Bay Area!

Chocolate Covered Bacon- 'Nuff said.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

Back in the day, I was the BIGGEST baseball fan. I would religiously watch the De-backs every night (Third grade homework was much less time-consuming…those were the days). I could give anyone a detailed explanation of the game. I played the sport closest to it—softball—and took it very seriously.

But junior high came and I was girlified and baseball exited my life. But the other week I relived those baseball glory days of my youth.

McAfee was gracious enough to send all the interns to a Giants game. And not just any Giants game—the Battle of the Bay versus the A’s. So for the first time in six years, I went to a MLB game.

And can I tell you! Ballpark food is pretty darn awesome. McAfee also gave us food credit (so spoiled) so I made sure to try a myriad of items including a polish dog covered in sauerkraut and ranch, fry bread with cookie butter (converted!), and garlic fries. It was a meal I affectionately refer to as the “kiss of death.”

I died of happiness as I joined along in the cheers. Though I had to restrain myself from saying “BYU” instead of “Giants”. #colorguardprobs

As for the baseball, embarrassingly I am not the expert I used to be. I mixed up the ump signals for ball and strike. It took me a bit of time to remember what RBI stood for. Yeah, I was a bit rusty.

In the end, the Giants won! (Haha A’s and Dodgers fans!) It was a good night at the ballpark. 

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A Love Letter to My Temporary Home

Dear Bay Area,

Happy 6 months!

I didn’t plan to stay with you for very long. I was just passing through, taking a break from the bitter, snowy winter of Utah. But after a few weeks, I just knew 4 months wouldn't be enough.

Cause basically, you stole my heart.

You stole my heart with authentic Chinese food. You stole my heart with your green hills in springtime. You stole my heart with nerdy street names like the corner of Research St and Reliance St. You stole my heart with perfect weather almost all year round.

Like every relationship, we have our bumps in the road. Literally, in your case. And don’t get me started on traffic, or parking, or basically anything that has to do with cars (or BART). And I’m a little afraid that someday soon you’re going to get the shakes.

But everyone has their quirks. And your positives far outweigh the negatives in my book.

So let’s toast to our unlikely union. I’m sure you’ll have a wine glass in hand with something probably from the Santa Cruz Mountains. I, on the other hand, will toast you with some green power smoothie filled with kale and whatever else.

Cheers, Bay Area! Cheers to six wonderful, life-changing months. And cheers to our future months together.

With love,

Sarah